Polyamory.

It’s not a new buzzword, but it’s still one that comes up rather shockingly often these days.  It’s not as obscure as it used to be, but even despite that many folks don’t know what it is.

Poly Amory.  Many Loves.  

The concept that one can deeply love and have a relationship with more than one person at the same time, in an ethical and sustainable fashion.  

Also called Ethical Non-Monogamy.

I have been poly for quite some time now.  Over a decade. At least in the “this is the label I am giving myself” sort of way.  If I am honest, and look back at my dating style even beginning in High School I was poly then also.  However it was frowned upon. I remember the faces of friends when I suggested dating more than one person at once.  “You can’t do that!!!” When asked why not, the answer was always “Its just wrong!”

Hmm.  But serial monogamy and/or cheating is “normal”??

Anyhow.

I have always been an honest person.  I may even be accused of oversharing. However I have no issue with doing it.  It’s part of my personality, and I value the way it helps me to put others at ease and to empathize with them.  Poly naturally stems from this for me. Even with my first husband it was always full disclosure and honesty. I believe that is what has preserved our friendship through the divorce and such.

The question that I often get is “How does it even WORK?!”  

It works.  Because I work at it.  And because my partners work at it.

Its relationship.  And so like any relationship you have to feed it, otherwise it isn’t healthy.  I know my own limits on time and emotional resources, and so try to make sure I don’t overextend myself.  I have had times where I dated multiple people at once, but I have found that my happy place is with two.

“TWO?!”  I can hear you saying.  “Two men/women/what?!  That’s just greedy. You need to focus on the one you have.”

My response to these thoughts often goes along the lines of “…then I suppose we had tell everyone they need to only love one of their parents, then.  Or one of their children. Or one of their grandparents.”

Just because romance may be involved in the relationship doesn’t mean that suddenly it has to become a vehicle for jealousy and possessiveness.  Romance can be so many things, too. Not just sexual pleasure. It can be intellectual. Spiritual. Deep connections. And love is not a finite resource.  Your love for someone may not look like it does for another person, but that doesn’t make it any less real or valid.  

So, how does it work?

It works.

WITH WORK.

It doesn’t always, just like any dating type of situation.  But when the right combination of personalities comes together, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.  My family is the most steady and strong it has been in years, because needs are getting met emotionally that before were put to the side.  And not just for myself. For my children and for my partners too. We have all become tribe together, and family. We work hard at it, because it matters.  Love matters.

And if it matters you will make it work.

Sure, society still isn’t quite all ready for Poly-Marriage-Paloosa.  But I have noticed that I get less googly eyed looks when I mention being Poly these days.  The realization that it works for some folks is becoming more mainstream, and it’s a wonderful thing.