The old adage is “you don’t always get second chances”.  

Or is it “don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”?

Either way, both of these phrases are integral to who I am these days.  

I like where I am now, despite it being difficult.  

I am not everyone’s cup of tea.  But I am definitely an experience.  And with the experiences I have had in my life, I believe I could write a book.

…which brings me to this blog.

So many times people have asked me to write it down.  To make a blog, or write a book, or anything!! So this is my attempt at just that.  It may end up being just a processing tool as I work through this newest development in my life of being unable to DO.  Or it may be more. It may be less. But either way, my words are being sent out into the Universe and hopefully either helping my brain do its own processing or perhaps it will help someone else with their own!  

I am so many things.  But I am not going to label them right now.

If you had met me 20 year ago you would have met this person: 

Early twenties, singing with professional choirs, living in my own house.  I was a member of a K9 Search and Rescue team, using my German Shepherd Dog, and loved how my life was headed.  I was an ADULT!

If you had met me 15 years ago you would have met this person:

Mid twenties, fully on the Relationship Escalator.  Following the American Dream. 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.  Granted, I wasn’t all run of the mill. I am a proud pagan woman, as well as a staunch ally to all lifestyles, so before you get confused and assume I am white bread, apple pie, and sweet tea let me disabuse you of that notion.  For quite a few years we ran an interfaith pagan circle out of our farm, where all walks of spirituality were welcome to join and share. I met so many people, some of whom taught me hard lessons about what it means to be an ally and what it means to speak your truth.  

Anyhow- I digress.

If you had met me 10 years ago you would have met this person:

My mother refers to this as my “Teenage Rebellion come late” stage.  Life was not going the way they said it would. I was struggling hard with deep depression and fear, as well as a difficult marriage situation.  So I started looking for ways to find myself. Luckily, those people I invited into my world had been educational. I learned from them, and realized that I was Polyamorous.  I also delved into the darker edges of the alternative lifestyles, and found that they were not actually dark. Either way, this was a huge growing period for me.

If you had met me 5 years ago you would have met this person:

Single mother, working overnight shifts on her own, protecting the internet from one hacker at a time.  My marriage was over, but platonic and good otherwise. I knew I was moving forward with my life, but no longer had time or space for the self-exploration of the years before.  Instead all the space I had was used up with working, parenting my young children, or just trying to carve out space for sleeping or maybe finding a nice fellow to go to dinner with.  

If you had met me 2 years ago you would have met this person:

I had found my music again, found my passion again, and despite going through a crucible of epic proportions I had found myself again.  I was learning how to take care of myself, and my life and children’s lives were stable and safe. I was in the best shape of my post-childbirth life, and feeling like quite the superhero.

This is my current iteration:

*sounds of record screeching* 

What happened?!  …I am the heaviest I have ever been.  I am often depressed. I am inactive. I am…other.

Life happened.  Life happened because I didn’t learn to slow down.  I am working on that part, and it will likely continue to be a work in progress.  

But the epiphany has come.  Creeping over my shoulder like sunshine in through the leaves.  

I am OTHER.

Every one of those iterations of me were still me.  But I was changing. Life was giving me new situations, and I was adapting and learning through them.  Not always in conventional ways, but in ways that brought me to where I am now.  

I will just say that I am OTHER.  And embrace it.  

So.  I bid you welcome!  Pull up a chair, a pillow, a poof.  Get comfortable and enjoy some rambles down my memories and through my every day.  Drop me a note if you feel the urge. I am told I am aggressively welcoming!