This was written over 6 years ago, during a time when I struggled with finding myself and the depression that comes hand in hand with that.

I have found that looking back at old writings and examining them allows for good introspection, and seeing how one has grown. Or perhaps how one has not…!

I have this image in my head.

It is of a deep, dark chasm. With jagged edges that I can walk up to, and peer into the abyss before me. The knowledge that in that darkness there are “things”. Moving, sliding, changing. Some benign, some deadly. Nightmares and dreams.

That chasm is my reality.

I think so many of us just drift through life, much like jellyfish. Aware, but yet not completely aware of what it is we are experiencing. Expecting things to happen. Expecting the universe to do things for us. Or cursing it for doing things TO us. When in reality it is more like a pond. Every movement we make creates a ripple effect, sending small (or large) shockwaves throughout our environment. Every decision we make changes our lives, be it tiny or enormous.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about changes. About the unknown. About things that I feel that I KNOW are truths. I stare into that dark chasm. Thinking deep thoughts about what it is that lies before me.

“What will become of me?” “What if this happens?” “What if this DOESNT happen?” “Am I making the right choice?”

Perception is reality. And being that every one of us perceives things different from each other, that means that there are countless realities at any given time. I try to be open minded, and to keep my ears ready to hear anothers viewpoint. Perhaps I am upset about an action of theirs, but they have their reasons for doing so. And in THEIR mind it is completely valid! What good does it do me to get up in arms and overly defensive?

I step away. I breathe out. And I leave it be. That is how I deal with such things.

My personal life, when its close to home, is more complicated of course. Seeing my own patterns of behavior. Traps that I set for myself. Routines that are unhealthy.

I have grown much in the past several years, finding out who and what I really am (and of course theres always more to learn). And I honestly feel I have become closer to what I always wanted to be, than I ever was. I am more true to myself, to my world, and stronger for it.

That being said…

There is a point that every human being reaches. A point when they stop spinning in circles. Breath caught in their throat, eyes wide, pulse hammering. As they stare into that gaping chasm.

Darkness, roiling and alive, stares back.

And they have a choice to make. Do they reach out and touch the darkness? Because as every moviegoer knows, if you SEE the monster it makes it real. Or do they close their eyes, turn away, and go back to their spinning?

Is there a balance to be found there? Can one find a way to straddle between the dreamtime and the harsh realities of life without going mad?

I have been struggling lately. And struggling hard. Quietly. Deep in my mind. I look at pictures of things I have done, things I have seen. And realize how dark they can be. I frighten myself. Yet…at the same time…I impress myself. Stepping into these shadows has in actuality created light. It has also given me the strength to pull off band-aids that had long festered on me. Puss filled wounds that I had intended to try and heal on my own, but could not be done alone. Bonds broken that were unhealthy in their own way.

It scares me to death as at the same time it also fills me with pride.

I have come to a strange point in my life, now. I am still myself. I always will be. I am quiet and I am skittish. I am easily frightened away.

But I have put my feet on the ground, and stood up. I have faced my family and told them that my life is not what they wanted it to be, and that it is okay that way. I have faced those I love and realized that sometimes love can’t heal everything. I have looked into the face of my children and realized that sometimes you have to let go. And I have faced the reality that I will not have a storybook life. That in order to keep moving forward, I have to take steps with my own feet. I can’t expect to be dragged. Or carried. Or pushed. I have to walk.

Walk up to the edge of that chasm, and reach out. Embracing every shadow within its depths, and know them. For only in knowing my own truths will I be able to truly be free. Can I truly let go.