If you talk to someone who is polyamorous and ask them if they are in the closet or not you will get a different answer every time. Polyamory is still not completely mainstream or accepted by many of the older generation, since they equate it with unethical practices of cheating, or the (unfair and incorrect) public image of swinging.

When you have children the option of being out to your family becomes very complicated. Grandparents are very important figures in the lives of children (all of this with the caveat that they are healthy individuals, and not toxic), and good role models that allow them to see different parenting styles outside of their own nuclear family.

However- how do you deal with the other partners when you haven’t come out?

…or what if you have and they are not approving??

We had this situation occur at the beginning of the summer. My mom, whom we affectionately call Gramma, found out by accident that we were poly. Up until then she had been under the impression that Otto and Ann were just friends who spent a lot of time with us. When it came out, she about lost her mind. There was a lot of yelling, there were a lot of tears. We didn’t talk for almost two weeks.

Anyone who knows me will say that my mother and I not speaking for two weeks is a very big deal! We are very close, and always have been. The main factor I believe that assisted us in finding our way through this minefield of emotions was that 1- she went to a counselor, and 2- I told her I would not push. It was our lives, and our choice, and I was happy to discuss it with her and answer respectful questions, however I would not force it into her face.

After we started talking again, and she made it clear that she appreciated me not pushing. I still kept Otto and Ann in the conversations, just like I had before. But I didn’t talk about things so much that she got uncomfortable. Over time it became more normalized. She still wasn’t ready to meet them, though.

It was the last time the children were going to the bio-dad’s house for the summer (a week long trip), and on the pick up run Otto and I decided to make an event of it. We would drive up to Washington D.C. and sightsee, then stay with a friend of mine who lives near the kids. Then the next day we would have lunch with my mom and dad, and they could meet Otto. Mom was anxious as could be.

We walked much of the Mall and also went to the Holocaust Museum, which was a very sobering experience. For dinner we stopped at a cafe in Baltimore, called The Paper Moon Cafe (a personal favorite!) and Otto was charmed by the decor. If you have never been, and find yourself in Baltimore I highly suggest giving it a try! After our adventures we visited a few of my friends, and then in the morning headed over to pick up the children. …and then on to lunch and “meeting the folks”.

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I won’t lie and say that it went perfectly and everyone is best friends now. But she is less worried now. She has a face to the name, and knows he is the good person she assumed he was. She has seen the interaction he has with the children, and knows they are in good hands, even though she doesn’t agree with our lifestyle.

The next big hurdle to negotiate will be holidays. I don’t know how we will handle that, since Otto now lives with us and my family often comes down to celebrate with us. Discussions, no doubt, will be hand and negotiations on how to ease this next transition.

Either way, the meeting was had, and we made it back in once piece, and hopefully the first steps towards full family have been made.