When families have falling outs it can sometimes be as gentle as children arguing with a parent, or parents arguing over who left the toilet seat up. It also can be as volatile as major disagreements over money.

All studies show that arguing in front of children in a non-respectful manner causes great stress to them. That while you shouldn’t hide the fact that you disagree, it is how you do it that matters. All of my partners, my ex-husband (father of the kids) included, and I have always had non-yelling, non-violent altercations. There is no name calling. There is no meanness. We can both be angry as hell, but we will make sure to keep it civil.

Now thats just within a married pair, or even a traditional family dynamic. What happens when its a family group that follows Ethical Non-Monogamy? I have often pondered this, because these adults come into our lives and we embrace them as family. The children become attached to them and they become mentors and places of saftey and comfort. Then if there is a break up…

…what happens?

Recently a fellow local polycule had a full dissolution. I say dissolution, however it was not quite so gentle. There was (I am told) a lot of yelling involved. A lot of confusion. A lot of frustration. And the kids have been quiet about it. However as anyone who has children can attest- they hear everything.

This ‘cule has gone from four strong, to breaking into four separate individuals. Some staying somewhat friendly, some not. What was once a household that had a routine and stride that kept kids in its center, is now completely divided apart. Even to the point of living in different locales.

How does this affect the children?

Obviously I assume some children are fine with it. They are resilient and just let it roll off of them, not owning it. Others though, I could see them getting anxious. Much like those who suffer from distressing divorce proceedings. Trying to understand what is happening, and only being able to put it back on themselves.

It makes me wonder if its even more difficult, given that its not just one parental figure who is no longer part of the daily life, but any number more?

The answer comes, I feel, in trying to realize that sometimes you have to be “The Adult”. …both parties. All parties. By this I mean: If the children have an attachment to this person, then they need the option to stay in contact (physical/vocal/etc) with this person. Obviously this goes without saying, that if the person is abusive or toxic, then that changes this conversation. But we are not talking about that right now.

If we, as ENM folks, subscribe to love in the way we claim to, then that means breakups after long term relationships are just as valid as divorces when living and loving arrangements have modeled themselves after such traditional things. If the person is living with you, helping with childcare, etc… then if things were to fall apart, they deserve the same amount of respect as if you had legally wed them.

Does it matter that they didn’t help create these children?

Children love. Many times unconditionally. They need to be able to process with help, to be able to navigate these adult conditions that are built around them. So when the tragic happens, it is up to the adults in their world to make sure to make them feel as safe as possible. And sometimes that means spending time around an ex. This also means not triangulating or alienating, just like in divorces.

I am sure this is not a popular opionion, perse. And obviously it has its caveats and flaws. Each family handles things in their own way. But it is something to keep in mind, when you have children and your partners are involved in their every day life. Just yanking them out by the roots will leave a hole that the children will inevitably try to fill.

…often by blaming themselves.