Contemplation- I could have died.

It all happened in an instant. A blink of an eye. An inhalation of breath. A beat of a heart. A snap of the fingers. 

Electric wire startling a horse into a panic so that he tried to throw himself into an epic leap to go back into the field he had come out of. …but he tripped and thus didnt make it. His momentum took down the large railroad tie holding up two of the 10 foot metal gates, somehow ending up on top of them himself. And underneath all of these heavy things… me. I dont remember past seeing his fear, and telling him calmly to “whoa” as he first caught the wire.

James was watching from maybe 15 feet away. For him I am sure it all slowed down. Unable to move, unable to stop the collision. And then when it all snapped back into time, seeing me unmoving and silent, everything was going too fast.

He tells me that he ran over to me, and heard no sound. That in a feat of adrenaline and panic he threw the gates and railroad tie to the side, and could see the blood on my face and temple. He was sure he was watching me die. But then I breathed as he rolled me onto my back. Quick rapid gasps for air, as my body remembered how and struggled to catch up past the shock. 

It was then that I opened my eyes and looked up at my pale faced husband, who had phones in his hands and was desperately trying to get 911 on the line. I remember it was sprinkling rain, and i knew that i had broken bones. 

Things went into a blur past that. Familiar voices that had rallied to help. Otto and Ann. I surrendered to the pain as they loaded me up onto an ambulance and whisked me away.

The rest of the story doesnt matter. The part I keep returning to is “I could have died”. I got away with a collarbone broken in multiple places, a fractured sternum, and a fractured first rib. Bruises paint my body like watercolor art, and I have stitches in my temple. 

If the horse would have been closer, his weight would have been greater. 

If the gate had hit me different, it could have crushed my skull.

If I had fallen differently, I could have deflated my lungs.

If…if…if.

But they didn’t happen. My strong body only broke a little. My hard head held up to the abuse and I didnt even have a concussion. I am remarkably mobile, and even down to almost normal pain medications a week later.

But.

I could have died.

I looked at my daughter and thought to myself “I almost didnt see who you will be.”

I looked at my son and thought to myself “I almost didnt see how tall you will get.”

I looked at my grandson and thought “I almost didnt get to see you break the cycle.”

I looked at my husband and thought “I almost never got to see that look of adoration in your eyes again.”

Trees. Air. Sunlight. All of it could have been just gone. I didnt see anything for those moments in darkness. It was nothing. There was nothing. No feeling. No seeing. Nothingness.

Take that as you may, but I will take it as a gentle push from the universe. To do the things I have been wanting to. To eat the spicy food. To see the beautiful things. To love openly and bravely. To accept that not everyone will agree with me, but those that love me will honor my choices.

Because I could have died.

And I didnt. So now I am going to live.